While our side was "out-spent" financially, this was not the major factor in our defeat. The truth of the matter is that our opponents had a clear and simple message and we did not. All they had to do was speak of "moral values" – code words for fear and hatred of gay people, and they instantly communicated their message.

In contrast, virtually none of the politicians who claimed to be on our side of the issue embraced full and equal marriage rights, instead qualifying it with vague talk of "civil unions" and "states’ rights." The result was that their message was a muddle, and in this age of sound bites, a short, clear message of "moral values" beats a muddle every single time.

The Democrats had a weak message and basically didn’t want to confront the Republicans on the marriage issue. Even some allegedly pro-gay politicians said the issue was a "diversion" from other issues and basically unimportant. But since when is anyone’s civil rights unimportant? Statements like this are deeply insulting to every Lesbian and Gay couple whose life choices and opportunities have been severely limited by the unequal marriage laws, from bi-national couples forced to live in separate countries to working class folks who can’t cover their spouses on their health insurance.

They are also insulting to the LGBT community as a whole, regardless of what kind of relationship we are or are not in. Our entire community is being hit NOT with just garden-variety, nasty anti-gay legislation. These are Constitutional amendments! No other minority community has been hit with this kind of legal broadside in the last two centuries, and yet the issue is considered "unimportant" by those who claim to represent us?!?

Now that the election is over, Barney Frank, Diane Feinstein and others are scapegoating marriage rights activists for Kerry's defeat, rather than looking at the failures of their candidate and most of their party leaders to clearly articulate a pro-civil rights stance.

Why is it that our opponents use codes terms like "moral values" and "pro-family" rather than frankly stating their anti-gay hate? The reason is simple, and it points to how we can defeat them. Twenty-first Century America may be a pretty bigoted and narrow-minded place, but the fact remains that today most people in this country do not like having others view them as being bigots, even if many in reality are just that.

The leaders of the anti-gay movement live in mortal fear of our successfully labeling them in the public mind as bigots. This is what worked against Anita Bryant a generation ago, and against Dr. Laura Schlessinger at the beginning of this century. This is why their propaganda endlessly parrots phrases like "love the sinner, hate the sin" and why they have bent over backwards to court whatever anti-gay African-American preachers they can find, in the hopes that this will help inoculate them from the charge of being bigots. This is pretty ironic given that their political forefathers were the ones who opposed "race-mixing," interracial marriage, and the marriages of people of differing faiths. It was only a few years ago that their Bob Jones University decided to join the 21st Century by finally permitting interracial dating.

Yes, we know that "civil unions" is incorrectly viewed by many as giving us the same rights as marriage and this shows we still have a lot of educational work to do on the issue, but even George Bush felt compelled to court this sentiment late in the campaign when he said he was for allowing states to institute civil unions if they chose to do so. Despite the "spin," the election was NOT lost on the "Moral Values" issue.

While there is not a one-to-one relationship between the struggle for equal marriage rights for LGBT people and the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s, both movements are about equal rights. It would be foolish of us to not to try to learn the lessons of those who organized for equality before us.

The Civil Rights Movement did not get where it did by allowing its alleged allies in the political parties to hedge on the question of equal rights, and nor should we. We need a simple, unabashedly pro-gay message: full legal equality for Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals and Transgendered people. Honesty is one of the biggest advantages we have over our opponents. We deserve respect, but in order to get it, we must demand it. As the great abolitionist Frederick Douglass said, "Power concedes nothing without a demand. Never has, never will."

Some have spoken of a "backlash" against gay people in the election. Here’s what Martin Luther King, Jr. had to say about "backlashes":

"There really is no white backlash, because that gives the impression that the nation had decided it was going to solve this problem and then there was a step back because of developments in the civil rights movement. Now, the fact is that America has been backlashing on the civil rights question for centuries now…The backlash is merely the surfacing of prejudices, of hostilities, of hatreds and fears that already existed and they are just now starting to open." - November 6, 1966

Beginning Saturday, February 12 and going into the following week, cities around the country will be celebrating Freedom to Marry Day (and week) with rallies and other events. We invite you to get in touch with us about organizing an event in your area. We have posters, sample press releases and other materials you can use, and can help you with information about what works and what doesn't. Please visit the Equality Campaign / DontAmend.com table at this conference and give us your contact information so that we can work with you about organizing Freedom to Marry activities in your town. The key to winning marriage equality is organizing this sort of grass roots activity in every locality we can.