Media Credit: Courtesy of the ACLU The Lofton/Croteau family, clockwise from top: Frank, Roger, Ernie, Tracy, Wayne, Steven, and Bert (center)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lofton, Croteau and their five children--Frank, Tracy, Bert, Wayne and Ernie--accepted the Family Pride Coalition's (FPC) inaugural ``Families of Courage" award Aug. 8 before an enthusiastic crowd of gay families from across the country at Provincetown's Town Hall. The ceremony, which was also attended by Croteau's parents, was a highlight of the seventh annual Family Pride Week, sponsored by FPC and Children of Lesbian and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE).

Asked how he felt about receiving the ``Families of Courage" award in an interview with Bay Windows, Croteau, a Massachusetts native, at first had difficulty formulating a response. ``It's overwhelming. Who knew?" he laughs.

``From a personal standpoint I don't feel there's a need for it," he continues. ``I don't feel it's necessary. It's terrific, I certainly can't say I don't appreciate it, because it's fabulous, but I don't know what to say. It is a little overwhelming. I knew people were supportive and what have you but you know, I feel like Sally Field. `They like me! They really like me!'" he says in a burst of laughter. ``What do you say?"

Lofton offered an equally modest response: ``It's very flattering because we're being recognized amongst our peers, because a lot of the parents here were foster parents and are now adoptive parents. So it means more in an environment like this, where it's gay parents from the same background as we are."

And Wayne, a blonde-haired bundle of energy clad in a brightly colored orange shirt, volunteered this muted (or media-shy) response when asked his opinion about the award: ``I don't know, it was..." Did you like when everyone clapped for you? ``Yeah." How did that feel? ``Good." Anything else to add? ``Not really."

In national spotlight

Despite their humble reactions to the honor, the award is well-deserved. The family was vaulted into the national spotlight after they told their story to ABC's Primetime Live last March. Lofton and Croteau, both pediatric nurses who were living in Florida, created a family when they began foster parenting Frank and Tracy, both age 14, and 10-year-old Bert, all of whom were born with HIV, as infants. They also parented another HIV positive child, Ginger, from infancy until her death at age six. After relocating with the children to Portland, Ore., in the late 1990s, they took home Wayne, now 8 and Ernie, now 5, who are also living with HIV. Under Oregon law they were able to adopt the pair. However, because Florida does not allow gays and lesbians to adopt, they are now in danger of losing Bert, who has been deemed adoptable by the Florida Department of Children and Families (DCF) because he no longer has HIV. The DCF is actively seeking an adoptive home for Bert. The day after their story aired--along with talk show host Rosie O'Donnell's own revelation that she is a gay parent--300,000 e-mails flooded into Florida Governor Jeb Bush's office urging repeal of the law. With legal representation from the ACLU, Lofton and Croteau and two other gay families filed a lawsuit to overturn the ban in 1999. Last year a federal court judge ruled against them, saying gay adoption was not in the best interest of children. The ACLU is appealing the ruling.

Though the family is often recognized by strangers when they go out together, life hasn't changed much since their television debut. While it's unusual for them to travel so far to stand onstage and receive an award, Lofton says, ``Roger and I have both been very upfront with the kids, that a lot of people are happy with what we're doing, and that we should be thankful for that. And they are. I think they're truly appreciative." The heightened interest in the family is sometimes difficult for the kids, he says. ``But nothing's changed in our lives. We still have to put laundry down that chute and set the table. Our life is the same as it has been. I think they're a little more appreciative. I think they've always just assumed that our family was a normal family. Maybe not typical, but a normal family. And now they realize that we're recognized, but other than that it hasn't affected them I don't think."

Pressure to be perfect

However, Lofton admits that the pressure many gay parents feel to be perfect in a society that often views them as suspect has been heightened in recent months. ``If I was heterosexual and married and had my own kids, I could virtually do anything I want, but I can't," he observes. ``I'm a foster parent. I'm a gay foster parent. My kids have special needs. So everything we do is under a microscope." That scrutiny is now magnified to a degree, but he points out that the family has garnered overwhelming support for their efforts to overturn Florida's gay adoption ban and continue raising their children. ``We were warned ahead of time that there could be negative backlash and that there [were] all kinds of angry and irritated people out [there]," he explains. ``We've had nothing but positive support and from such a broad base of people,"--from neighbors they previously did not know well to churches inviting them to join their congregations and an outpouring of letters from rural communities across the country. ``So it wasn't just urban gays that were supportive," notes Lofton. ``It was just a total cross- section of the neighborhood we live in."

Most importantly, Lofton and Croteau say, they are thankful for the opportunity to educate the public about the issue of gay adoption and the inequities that exist from state to state. Like, Florida, Mississippi bans adoptions by gays and lesbians. Utah bans adoptions by unmarried people, which effectively bars gays from the process because they can't legally marry. Massachusetts, one of the more enlightened states, not only allows gays to adopt, but also legalizes same-sex second parent adoptions.

Like any good parents, the couple is clearly practiced in the art of patience. They'd obviously like to see their case resolved sooner than later, but it's not something that affects their daily routine. ``It's an irritant," acknowledges Croteau. ``...I'm annoyed with it and impatient to an extent, but how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time," he says, drawing an analogy with a children's riddle. ``That elephant's not pleasant tasting," he laughs. ``It does take time. You can't move mountains in a day and this is an issue--it's not something that happened yesterday. And it doesn't truly affect our day to day life. We're busy raising the family. We don't worry about it. We don't think about it. We deal with it as the issues come up. We continue to make sure that the kids are safe."

And believe it or not, in the midst of raising five kids they still find time for each other. The couple vacations at least once a year by themselves, in addition to regular outings several times a month. And what do they do? ``See adult movies," says Lofton. ``I'm not talking pornography--things that don't have exploding cars or cartoon characters. And eat in a restaurant..."

``...Without having to cut someone else's meat," Croteau laughingly interjects.

``Yeah, exactly," agrees Lofton.

``But we always do things with the kids," concludes Croteau. ``... It's nice to get away, it's nice to get away together, but a lot of times I have more fun with the kids than I do with him."