Bay Windows
Partners Silenced
Under 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'
For same-sex
couples, military service in a time of war brings unique
hardships
By Scott A.
Giordano
April 10,
2003
Brian chose his words
cautiously as he described his life as a gay man whose partner is in the U.S.
Airforce and now deployed as a Non Commissioned Officer in the Middle East. He
knows his words could place his partner's career or very life at
risk.
"We've been together for five years, and there have been a lot of
these deployments. You never get over it but you get used to it. He loves what
he does and I love him, so that is how I deal with it. I just think about that,"
said Brian, a 41-year-old California resident whose last name is being withheld
to protect his partner's anonymity.
Because of the military's "Don't ask,
Don't tell" policy, Brian could not provide any identifying information that may
place his partner at risk. He could not even say if his partner is in Iraq,
although it was clear from a phone interview that Brian's partner is on the
front lines of combat somewhere in the Middle East. "It's terrifying that
something I could say could affect his career or his safety, and I would never
forgive myself for that," Brian said.
With the media's 24-hour war
coverage, hardly a minute passes in which Brian's partner doesn't cross his
mind. He worries that his partner could become a prisoner or a casualty of war.
The couple has limited contact because of the military's policy barring openly
gay service men and women from serving. There are few places where Brian can
find support, unlike the partners of heterosexual service members.
As he
tried to describe his worst fears and express support for his partner's decision
to serve in the military, Brian was often overcome with emotion.
"There
is a high probability that [my partner] could be either a prisoner of war or a
casualty. Inside, I am probably a lot more angry than I would let my friends
know," Brian said. "On the outside, I show that I am very strong and not overly
concerned. I keep an upper lip, but I guess underneath that, I think what they
don't know is I get very angry. If I were on a military base and I were with
other spouses that is probably something they would share with each other. I am
more angry that I am excluded from participating in the same base services that
any other military spouse would get to participate in."
Brian and his
partner keep the nature of their relationship a secret even from his partner's
family. They know Brian only as a family friend. So if his partner were killed
in active duty, Brian can only hope he would be notified in as prompt a manner
as possible.
"My fears are the same as any military spouse's; that part
is not different. We all have concerns and hope our loved ones are not hurt. The
only thing that is different about my situation is if something does happen [to
my partner] no one is going to knock on my door and there is no guarantee I will
be notified if something happens," Brian said.
Everyday, Americans hear
media reports about U.S. soldiers at war and their families at home. But lost in
the shuffle are the stories of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered partners
like Brian.
While the country is quick to support the spouses and
families of those with loved ones at war, the partners of GLBT service members
are often forced to remain silent in order to help protect their loved ones.
Many partners have additional concerns that their partners could be at risk of
anti-gay harassment or discharge from the armed forces. Communication between
the partners is hindered because of the military's policies, often restricting
them to communicate by e-mail using fictitious names.
Diane, whose true
identity was also withheld at her request, was discharged from the military for
being a lesbian. Now, she waits at home while her partner fights the war in
Iraq. The two met about one and one half years ago through a mutual friend.
Diane's partner is in the Navy.
"[My partner] is really funny and is very
sweet, kind, caring and sensitive. I think that she is ready and willing and
happy to do her job. I don't think either of us is particularly thrilled about
America being at war with anyone, but I know that they were happy on the ship to
stop waiting and actually do something. But that was just the function of
waiting for so long and doing the same drills over and over again," Diane
said.
Diane's partner was deployed to Iraq last November. Prior to her
departure, Diane's partner prepared legal documents such as a power of attorney
and a will, to prepare for the possibility that she might not come home. The
couple also arranged to communicate by e-mail in order to keep their
relationship a secret.
"When she left, she said good-bye and I love you,
and she went over all her affairs with me so I may take care of them while she
is gone," Diane said. "It hasn't been a problem for us to communicate. We
contact each other every day by e-mail, and my name doesn't appear anywhere on
her e-mail."
Diane said the couple doesn't limit their contact with each
other because they are determined to stay close to each other. But Brian said
the "Don't ask, Don't tell policy makes it difficult for him to communicate with
his partner, although they do exchange e-mails. "There are many differences
between our ability to communicate and his fellow military members to
communicate with their spouses," Brian said.
For instance, the partners
say they must always be mindful of what they are saying and to whom. "It's
difficult every minute of every day, but it's something that is always there so
you just learn to deal with it. It's there in the far back of my mind," Diane
said about having to guard her relationship with her partner.
Because of
her own military experience, Diane knows exactly what her partner is doing in
the Navy and the people with whom she works. Having more information, in Diane's
case, has created more confidence that her partner will return home safely and
remain free of anti-gay harassment.
"I know for a fact that she serves
with quite a few gay people so I don't have any fears for her at this command
because it happens to be a command where morale is good and people are happy and
it's fairly tolerant," Diane said.
Brian said that no one in the military
suspects his partner is gay, and so he doesn't fear his partner is suffering
from anti-gay harassment. But he knows that other GLBT partners have reason for
concern.
He has read stories of anti-gay harassment in the media and
heard about it through the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network(SLDN), a
Washington, D.C.-based group that offers legal services to GLBT service members.
"I think the stories are disgusting, but what is worst is the way the military
looks the other way, and allows it to happen," Brian said.
SLDN is
Brian's only source of support and it's a limited one. "There are a lot of
services that keep the spouses occupied and informed. They have meetings and
social events that help them deal with it as a group, and they can all talk to
each other because each one knows what the other spouses are going through. I
don't have access to any of those things. My friends try to be a support
network, but they really don't know what I am going through. SLDN helps me in a
sense when I have questions about certain things, but they are a legal support
network for people affected by "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and not really a social
center for the spouses," Brian said.
His only other source of information
is the media coverage on the war. Asked if he watches the media reports or has
to detach from them, Brian replied, "It comes and goes in cycles. One minute, I
need to be exposed to as much of it as I can. Then, when there is a report of
somebody captured, then I have to shut off and shut down. When I'm in those
moods, when I can watch it, I just watch it and it's awful. War is awful," said
Brian, fighting back tears.
Diane is less fearful for her partner, she
said, because her partner's duty in Iraq involves a low risk of being killed or
captured. "I think my own experience in the region has helped me be less fearful
because it's not fear of the unknown. I know what goes on there and the things
that are done. I know what they are doing, why they are doing it and what the
threats are," Diane said.
Brian and Diane both say they plan to spend
some quality time with their loved ones when they return home. "I will fly out
to see [my partner] and we will have an adventure in a foreign country. I know
that she is coming back," said Diane, confidently.
"I would say the fact
that we are so good together and our relationship is so strong makes it easier
for me to wait. If there wasn't [a good relationship,] there wouldn't be any
reason for me to wait this long," she added.
Brian spoke with the hope
that his story may help others. He offered words of encouragement and suggested
how to communicate with a partner in the war.
"When you do communicate
with your partner, when you can send an e-mail, just talk about the good news at
home. Don't dump on them that the water heater broke and the electricity keeps
going out. Just give them the good news," he said.
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