Tampa Bay Coalition
Eye on GLBT News & Headlines
"Guest Columnist"
By Mories Beljaars, BA
Gay Boys and The Father Macho Thing
Fathers can give their sons a hard time, demanding that
their behaviour fits in with the Boy Code. And sons, who love their fathers,
don't want to disappoint them and tend to obey the code's golden, unwritten
rules. This conduct, as an expected way to behave and to be, can vary in
strength from place to place all over the world. May be it comes forth from
ancient times when reproduction of our species was a hot item. Nowadays we come
to realising this code is merely oppressive and discriminating - something that
keeps individuals from developing their personality and becoming happy people.
And making others feel happy too.
Could this father macho thing have something to do with
the differences in generations? No doubt about it. But generations always differ
from each other. And if one generation is firmly tied to the former, there's
never space for fresh air and a healthy growth of mankind, so to speak.
Adolescence assures us that generations hardly ever stick together too much.
Boys are masculine and have their boys-way-of-approaching
things, of course. Acknowledging feelings of fear, happiness, sadness, anger,
love etc. is part of growing up as a healthy person or being one. Men who try to
be (too) macho and win the daily competition to be most masculine, get 'awarded'
with becoming senselessly locked-in. They might very well loose the ability to
be empathetic and see what their sons really need during their development. Life
and parenting was never meant to be that way. Let's face today's family reality:
is it easy for a boy to tell his father what his feelings or worries are? Or to
tell him that he is not straight but gay?
Many boys feel comfortable talking about their feelings
with their mothers. Still, most boys would love to be able to talk like that
with their dads. Why are many fathers not able to leave the proving of
masculinity behind and say openly: "Tell me what you are feeling, tell me about
your concerns, let's go at it"? The reasons for it are diverse.
For men it can be important that their family-name stays
alive. When their only son turns out to be gay, it can be like a disappointment
that his name will stop living on in the future. Other fathers might recognize
gay feelings and see it as an assignment to oppress them, both inside themselves
and when other people (especially their sons) have them. Probably more often
unaware than aware of what they are doing. This is sometimes called 'latent
homosexuality'. Friends, colleagues, family members of a dad can give him a hard
time as well, when they hear that his son appears to be gay. Some men are simply
unable to cope with that and see no other option than to strongly disapprove it
if their kid comes out as gay. (Would they know that they can easily pass-on
their own inability to their son that way?) Also, lack of information and
prejudice about what being gay means, can create aversions to homosexuality.
Parents might think gays have to go out wearing lipstick and dresses or that
gays can't have steady relationships. Or they have the weirdest ideas about gay
sex. If they ever learned to talk openly about sex in the first place.
Sons love their dads and fathers do love their kids.
Having children and bringing them up makes a much larger appeal to someone's
person than many young people realise, when they decide to start a
family. Understanding macho parents can be a first step for boys towards
unconditional family life.
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