NEW YORK - On too many desperate nights in a life of lies as a gay player in the NFL, Esera Tuaolo drank himself to sleep, hoping he wouldn't wake up.

There were times when he sped away from nightclubs, hating the pretense -- the smiling Mr. Aloha, hugging and kissing the ladies in a grand show -- thinking as he drove crazily at 100 mph that he could end his torment just by turning the wheel.

Those days are over, now that he's come out.

The mammoth, 34-year-old former defensive lineman wants people to accept him and his family in the suburbs of Minneapolis -- partner Mitchell Wherley and their 23-month-old twins, Mitchell and Michele, adopted from Tuaolo's native Samoa.

''It's a quest for happiness,'' he said Wednesday in an interview with The Associated Press. ``I want my children to know when they grow up that their father is comfortable with who he is and we don't have anything to hide.

``It's like a mountain was lifted off my shoulders when I came out. But then I jumped on the scale this morning and I'm still 310 pounds.''

Tuaolo's coming out tour of TV shows, newspapers and magazines, two years after retiring from a nine-year career, is more than a personal liberation. He wants to ``put a face on the gay football player, break stereotypes and make people talk.''

He encourages other gay athletes to reveal themselves when they're ready, though he cautions active NFL players to stay in the closet.

''I don't think the NFL is ready for an openly gay player,'' he said.

Tuaolo feared if he had come out it while playing he would have been cut and blackballed or become a target for cheap shots on the field, from both teammates and opponents.

None of his former teammates have called him since he came out a few days ago on HBO's ''Real Sports.'' Sterling Sharpe, a teammate with Green Bay, told the show that if Tuaolo had come out while playing, ``he would have been eaten alive and he would have been hated for it.''

There is not one openly gay player in pro football, basketball, baseball or hockey now. Tuaolo said most coaches and players still believe a gay player would jeopardize team unity and undermine the macho image of the gladiator.

Tuaolo heard the usual locker room jokes about gays, the comments equating weakness with homosexuality, and he would bite his lip and retreat deeper into the closet. To thwart suspicions, he acted like other athletes, going to strip clubs, parties, making sure somebody saw him kissing women or leaving with them.

''Inside, it hurt,'' he said. ``It was a lot of show.''

Tuaolo said he had homosexual feelings as long as he can remember. He had his first gay affairs in college, but was afraid to develop a steady relationship until 1997, when a friend gave him a book by Dave Kopay, a gay NFL running back in the 1960s and early '70s.

''I broke down,'' Tuaolo said. ``I saw myself. It helped me make a decision that I didn't want to live in fear like that. This wasn't a lifestyle for me, it was a life, my life.''

He was playing for Minnesota at the time, and later that year he met and fell in love with Wherley, a businessman who owns day spas.

Tuaolo had friends everywhere he played -- Green Bay, Minnesota, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Carolina -- but none that he felt comfortable confiding in.

After retiring two years ago, Tuaolo deepened his relationship with Wherley by adopting the twins with him. This past July they all went on a rafting trip, along with his parents, and the men found themselves lying to strangers to perpetuate their secret.

Tuaolo decided it was time to come out.

''Now I'm so happy, because the thing that I've been living with, that gave me the sleepless nights, the trembling, the hurt, the drunkenness, the suicidal stuff, it's lifted,'' he said. ``I'm not Mr. Aloha with something to hide anymore. I have a big smile now and I really mean it.''