By Jim Buzinski
Outsports.com

There's a riveting scene on HBO's "Real Sports" when former NFL player Esera Tuaolo nearly breaks down.

Tuaolo, a 6-3, 300-pounder who could bench press a house, has to compose himself as he recounts the nasty anti-gay epithets and jokes he heard in various locker rooms in his nine-year career.

"Faggot … queer … fudge-packer … There's a joke and it's about anthropologists going to this tribe and it's about them having intercourse, so they …," Tuaolo says, his voice trailing off as he looks away, fighting tears.

"I'm pausing,'' he tells HBO correspondent Bernard Goldberg, "because you just took me back, took me back to me biting my lip again." Tuaolo would laugh at the jokes on the outside, but "inside it would be tearing me up, that I stood there and listened to it and didn't say anything about it."

He never does finish the joke and the incompleteness mirrors how Tuaolo felt about himself as an NFL player with a secret he dare not reveal--he was gay.

Tuaolo's appearance on "Real Sports" (premiering Oct. 29 and 11 p.m. and repeating several times) marks a rare event in American sports--an athlete coming out. He is also the subject of a Sunday column by Robert Lipsyte of the New York Times and will be in several upcoming profiles, including on Outsports. He is only the third NFL player to ever publicly say he's gay, joining David Kopay in 1975 and Roy Simmons in 1992.

While Tuaolo's story is unique in its setting--a pro sports locker room--his feelings of depression, loneliness and thoughts of suicide are universal and will resonate with many gay people.

"I Wanted to Be Happy"

Tuaolo, 34, lives in suburban Minneapolis with Mitchell Wherley, his life partner of five years and their adorable 23-month-old adopted twins, Mitchell and Michelle. Wherley is part-owner of a hair salon and day spa and Tuaolo is carving out a niche as a singer and actor. The scenes in the powerful HBO piece (produced by Nick Dolin) of Tuaolo singing to his kids in the warmth of the family kitchen show a man at peace with himself. But this feeling came only after he left professional football.

"I wanted to be happy," Tuaolo says of his reason to retire in 1999. Ex-teammates "didn't know the true me, they didn't know who Esera Tuaolo is. Now they'll know me for who I am--a gay NFL, well, former NFL player. I feel wonderful. I feel like a burden has been lifted. I feel like I've taken off the costume I've been wearing all my life."

Like many gay men who hide, it was easy for Tuaolo to wear the costume and avoid detection. Being seen in public on the arm of a beautiful woman and large amounts of alcohol helped ease the way.

"There's this joke [teammates used to tell]. 'Esera, man, he did 20 shots of tequila.' By doing that, I became their drinking buddy: 'Gosh, he's such a stud.' But to me, it was more to ease the pain." The pain became so intense, that Tuaolo would sometimes drive down the road and fantasize about "turning the wheel and ending it all.''

Tuaolo, a Samoan born in Hawai with eight siblings, played defensive tackle for five teams in his nine years, spending the longest time with the Minnesota Vikings. Ironically, his one trip to the Super Bowl, with Atlanta in 1998, came at the expense of the Vikings in the NFC Championship Game. He was drafted in the second round by the Green Bay Packers in 1991 after a standout career at Oregon State.

His NFL career, while long, was not particularly noteworthy. He has commented to people that he never played up to his potential, primarily for fear that being a star would have raised his profile, brought more scrutiny and perhaps led to his being outed.

"Once you learn the system, you can do just enough to make the team," Tuaolo told Lipsyte in the New York Times. "That's pretty sad. I didn't want to call attention to myself. If I had a sack, I'd have a sleepless night, wondering if now they would catch me."

"I believe him,'' Lipsyte told Outsports. Adds Joe Somodi, a New York producer/director who befriended Tuaolo and helped persuade him to go public: "His dream wasn't to be in the NFL. It was just a paycheck.''

It's easy to see that Tuaolo, with his easy grin and affable manner, was a popular teammate, and he counts several current Vikings among his friends. "He's incredibly loveable," says Lipsyte. "Bernie Goldberg and I agree he's one of the nicest people we've ever interviewed in our lives." Minneapolis Star-Tribune columnist Patrick Reusse described him as "soft-spoken and gentlemanly."

"He Would Have Been Hated"

No matter how popular Tuaolo may have been, though, there's little question that many teammates would have turned on him had they found out his secret.

"He would have been eaten alive and he would have been hated for it," former Packer receiver Sterling Sharpe said to HBO. "Had he come out on a Monday, with Wednesday, Thursday, Friday practices, he'd have never gotten to the other team."

When asked why teammates would have had a problem with Tuaolo being gay, Sharpe replied: "Birds of a feather flock together. … Now, I got to answer questions that I'm normally not answering. Question my heart, question my ability. Do not question my machoism, so to speak, my sexuality."

Sharpe's views, while no doubt shared by many players, are not universally echoed. "I really don't see it as being that big a deal," Carolina Panthers left tackle Todd Steussie, who played with Tuaolo in Minnesota from 1994 to 1996, told the Rock Hill (S.C.) Herald last week. "It might make some people uncomfortable, but to me it's a non-issue."

Tuaolo's secret started becoming known within a year of his 1999 retirement. "After he left football, you'd hear certain things. It was said without being said," Steussie said. "I've known it for a while, but to me, what Esera does on his own time is his own business. I consider him a friend."

"You Don't Have to Run Any More"

Steussie's comments mirror those of Craig Sauer, a linebacker who played with Tuaolo in Atlanta, and heard rumors about his friend when he joined the Vikings in 2000. Sauer recounted for HBO his asking Tuaolo on the phone if he was gay. After Tuaolo's long pause confirmed his suspicions, Sauer told him:

"Hey buddy, here's the deal. You know I disagree with it and I believe God forbids it, but I love you like a brother. If you can handle me not agreeing with your lifestyle … then we can be friends."

Tuaolo said he appreciated Sauer's words of support. "He was great about it. … He said you've been running and now you don't have to run any more."

About the only running Tuaolo does these days is to auditions as he pursues his singing and acting careers. In a 2001 review of the play "A Most Happy Fella," a Minneapolis Star-Tribune critic said, "Esera Tuaolo is a raw actor, but his 'aw, shucks' allure and robust voice serve him well.''

His singing has often drawn raves, with one critic describing his voice on the "NFL Country" album as "gorgeous …kind of falsetto and fluttery like that of another big guy, Aaron Neville."

Like it or not, Tuaolo will now be described in any future articles and reviews as "the gay football player," and Lipsyte said he senses Tuaolo is "feeling his way" with the issue.

There is little doubt, however, that Tuaolo seems at peace as an openly gay man. On Oct. 12, while visiting Los Angeles, he played flag football with a predominantly gay group of which I am the organizer.

Tuaolo threw a touchdown pass as a quarterback, caught several passes as a receiver and was a terror as a pass rusher and flag grabber. He was smiling the entire time.

A Director's Tale
How Joe Somodi Helped Esera Tuaolo Go Public

By Jim Buzinski
Outsports.com

Joe Somodi is more familiar with theater plays than football plays, but he is the man most responsible for the timing of Esera Tuaolo's coming out as a gay ex-NFL player.

Tuaolo will be appearing on a television show, and in a newspaper or magazine near you with his tale as a closeted gay man in the macho world of the NFL. HBO, the New York Times, Good Morning America, Fox and ESPN the Magazine are among the outlets that will tell Tuaolo's story.

The media campaign has been coordinated by well-known Hollywood publicist Howard Bragman, who has made a specialty out of bringing gay celebrities out of the closet. It has been skillfully planned to gain maximum exposure while allowing Tuaolo to tell his story at his own pace. While Somodi has had nothing to do with this campaign, it may never had gotten started without him.

At the urging of a friend, Somodi, a producer-director in New York City, went to a nightclub this past winter to watch Tuaolo sing. "I was really taken aback by how good his singing was," Somodi said. "He was really amazing and had great stage presence."

Somodi and his life partner, the theater director Kurt Stamm, immediately hit it off with Tuaolo, a professional singer. The couple visited Tuaolo and his partner, Mitchell Wherley, in Minnesota and began building a relationship.

On another visit alone to Minnesota in March, Somodi, 31, broached the subject of doing a documentary on Tuaolo and his life. "He said to me, 'I really want to do this with you. I want to make this happen,' '' Somodi recalls.

Somodi filmed Tuaolo and eventually produced a seven-minute promotional video that included interviews and footage of Tuaolo both playing and singing. But not having many industry connections, Somodi wound up knocking on a lot of doors. Showtime, MTV and PBS all passed. HBO's documentary unit was intrigued, but a producer told Somodi the timing wasn't right.

Somodi, however, thought the timing was ideal. Mike Piazza of the New York Mets declared himself straight this spring and the media went into overdrive discussing gays in sports. A hit Broadway play, "Take Me Out," further thrust the issue in the limelight. "I needed to capitalize on the public interest," Somodi said.

Eventually, "Real Sports," a monthly HBO sports series bought Somodi's idea (he won't disclose what or whether he was paid) and gave him an associate producer credit. The network basically took over the project and brought in its own film crew, editors and producers. Somodi's plans for a 90-minute documentary were boiled down to 13 minutes on HBO.

Somodi admits to some disappointment that the project hasn't been developed as fully as he would like, but he remains interested in doing a full-length documentary on Tuaolo.

"Real Sports" focuses (as it should) on the player's relationship to football and his sexuality, but Somodi's vision entails telling Tuaolo's life story, which the filmmaker calls "rich and robust." He sees Tuaolo's story as resonating with young gay athletes, many of whom wrestle with the conflict between their sport and their sexuality.

"I want to show that [athletes] are ordinary people with extraordinary skills and being gay is just a part of it," Somodi says.

From Joe Somodi: "I am producing a documentary project, "The Last Closet" and I am actively seeking any high school or college athletes who are presently in the closet and would like to use video as a way of telling their story. Esera's story will hopefully inspire others to come out, but you don't have to be at the professional athlete level to have your story heard. Your story can also inspire those professional athletes who are struggling with this issue."

Somodi can be reached via e-mail

Players React to Tuaolo

Compiled by Jim Buzinski

NFL players quoted so far on the record about Esera Tuaolo's being gay have been generally supportive. The St. Paul Pioneer-Press, however, said several players refused to comment at all. One player said others would "wear towels around them more often." Another said that a gay player would be ostracized and possibly even forced out of the locker room, the paper reported. My guess is that very few players would give homophobic remarks on the record, so it would be a mistake to infer from the comments below that the NFL is an oasis of tolerance.

"I really don't see it as being that big a deal  It might make some people uncomfortable, but to me it's a non-issue."

--Todd Steussie, Tuaolo’s former teammate with the Minnesota Vikings
Rock Hill (S.C.) Herald

 

"Guys don't assume that their teammates are of a homosexual preference, just because of the nature of what we do. I'm sure it would be a hostile environment, because there are a lot of macho attitudes in the locker room. Who has the prettiest girl? Who drives the biggest car? Who is playing the best? I could see where a person would hide that. That would be one of the toughest environments to come out in."

--Henri Crockett, Tuaolo’s former teammate with the Atlanta Falcons
St. Paul Pioneer-Press

 

"It really doesn't concern me, because I'm definitely not homophobic. I know that there are homosexuals in every occupation, and with the number of homosexuals out there, I wouldn't doubt there are some in athletics. The odds are, with the number of guys I've played with, I've probably been in the locker room with some.

"We as a culture have to be open-minded to different things and different situations, and that goes for sexuality, religion and different cultures. Because you come in a locker room like this, there are people who are totally different from me, probably grew up in a totally different environment from me. But it just comes down to being open-minded and being understanding of other people."

--Byron Chamberlain, Tuaolo’s former teammate with the Minnesota Vikings
St. Paul Pioneer-Press

 

"He would have been eaten alive and he would have been hated for it. Had he come out on a Monday, with Wednesday, Thursday, Friday practices, he'd have never gotten to the other team."

--Sterling Sharpe, Tuaolo’s former teammate with the Green Bay Packers
HBO’s “Real Sports

 

An N.F.L. spokesman, Greg Aiello, characterized Sharpe's message as "unfortunate and irresponsible."  Aiello went on to declare the N.F.L. a "meritocracy" based on "job performance."

"And on that basis an individual's sexual orientation is entirely irrelevant," he said.

--Robert Lipsyte column, New York Times

 

"First of all, I'm proud of Esera Tuaolo. By coming out to the world, he did something a lot of guys would never have the guts to do. We were teammates in Green Bay, and I know him pretty well. And now, knowing that he's gay, it doesn't change anything. I don't have any bad feelings about it. To me, it's not that big of a deal. But the reality is, I may be in the minority.

"... A lot of guys would be upset. Particularly because football players shower together. I'm sure a lot of guys are looking back right now and wondering if Tuaolo was checking them out. For many players -- and for many heterosexual men in general -- it's distressing to know that a guy you're sharing soap with is gay. I have to admit, if I knew an openly gay guy was in the shower, I would not be in a rush to go in there.

"... I'm proud of Tuaolo for standing up for who he is, but I think he made a wise decision in waiting to come out. Football is a masculine, violent sport. There is a lot of emphasis on toughness. As a player, the last thing you want to be portrayed as is "soft." Other players wouldn't want to go into battle with him on Sundays, he'd most certainly be treated differently."

LeRoy Butler, Tuaolo’s former teammate with the Green Bay Packers
ESPN.com column

 

"Most players I know are so confident in their own sexuality they wouldn’t care about the gay player two lockers down so long as he acts professionally.

"If a player admitted he was gay, I suspect his teammates wouldn’t like it — they’d hate the media circus — but they’d learn to deal with it.

"I wonder whether we could do the same."

Chris Havel, Green Bay Packers writer/columnist
Gannett Newspapers

 

"Guys wouldn’t come out and say [they're gay] and still be playing football now because they would be looked upon differently. They would be ridiculed so much. Even with free speech and free choice and things like that nature in society today, football and the locker room is something different.

”There’s an old-school mentality, that if someone wants to come out and say they were (gay) and was still playing, I think he’d have a hard time doing (his) job and focusing.”

Darren Sharper, Green Bay Packers defensive back
Packernews.com

 

“The whole ordeal about (Tuaolo) coming out shouldn’t even be as publicized as it is. Millions of people make that decision every day and don’t get glamorized for it. It becomes a problem when you focus on it or when it becomes an issue or the media get involved.”

Vonnie Holliday, Green Bay Packers lineman
Packernews.com

 

“I would accept [a gay player] personally, because we live in a world where we’re all sinners and nobody is perfect.

“I’m not one to judge another man. I would accept him, because if I don’t, I would say I’m better than that person or looking down on him, but I know I’m not perfect.”

Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila, Green Bay Packers lineman
Packernews.com

 

"I think he's looking for a lawsuit. If he's gay, he's gay. Who cares? Go on with your life.

"...There's a lot of gay jokes, yeah. You've got a bunch of naked men running around here, it's going to be uncomfortable if one of them is looking at you."

Luke Petitgout, New York Giants tackle
Newark Star-Ledger, Paul Needell column

 

"I think you respect their boundaries and respect what they are and who they are. It's all about how you are with yourself --if you're not comfortable with yourself and who you are, then you may be uncomfortable."

Richie Anderson, New York Jets running back
Newark Star-Ledger, Paul Needell column

 

"Hey buddy, here's the deal. You know I disagree with it and I believe God forbids it, but I love you like a brother. If you can handle me not agreeing with your lifestyle … then we can be friends."

Craig Sauer, on what he told ex-teammate Tuaolo upon hearing he was gay
HBO’s “Real Sports”

 

"I could see coming out to make a statement if the league had a rule that gays couldn't play or something like that. But that's not the case. So just shut up."

--Marshall Faulk, St. Louis Rams running back, speaking on the subject in general
November “Playboy”

"If we had a guy who was gay on this team, it's none of my business what he does outside of the locker room. My business is my business, and his business is his business. I wouldn't treat him any different. Definitely not."

Greg Biekert, Minnesota Vikings linebacker
St. Paul Pioneer-Press

"For so long I've felt the isolation of always being the only gay football player that's out there. Esera will have a life, children and a partner, things I never have had. I felt regret, but also a sense of validation and freedom, and a relief that the world was finally changing."

David Kopay, gay ex-NFL player
Robert Lipsyte column, New York Times

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